The Confession...

:: Deep Breath ::

Ok readers. Here it is. The confession:

We have not told Rob's parents yet. Nothing. Zip, zlich, zero, nada. I am now 17 weeks pregnant and they have no idea. They had no idea we were trying, no idea we had trouble, not idea that all it took was me, a vial of Rob's sperm, some stirrups, a doctor and a nurse in a sterile doctor's office room in order to get knocked up. They know nothing.

Why? WHY? You ask?

Well, this may just go down as THE WORST IDEA EVER from my husband.

Before we got pregnant we had scheduled our annual trek out to Connecticut for 10 days in August. Then it actually happened, we amazingly got pregnant! So within that first week of new pregnant-ness I asked Rob, "So how/when do you want to tell your parents?" Imagine my shock when he thought it was just about the BEST.IDEA.EVER to wait until we go out there to tell them in person...when I would be, oh, only a mere 22 weeks along. I tried to talk him out of it, I swear I did, I begged, I pleaded, I resorted to violence and punched him repeatedly in the arm, all to no avail. He is the most easy-going guy ever, except for when he has set his mind on something, and then that is IT. Stubborn as an ass. He wants to tell them in person and not over the phone and nothing will change that.

Picture this: The In-laws waiting for us at the gate at JFK. Plane lands. Rob walks out first, me hiding behind him in absolute panic.

In-laws: "Oh, Rob, Bev you're here! It is so wonderful to see you!!!":: they finally get a glimpse of me:: "What the... are you?? WHAT THE HELL?!?! " ...Chaos ensues.

I keep rationalizing it to myself that brother-in-law just recently returned from 2 years in Iraq, sister-in-law just had her third baby last week so they've had plenty of excitement this summer. This is what I keep saying to myself to justify this crazy, insane idea. Please note, I don't speak to in-laws often and I would never go behind Rob's back to tell them, as several people have suggested. So he gets his way, his family, his decision.

So that is it. That is my juicy confession. Juicy enough for you? Don't blame me, dear readers, I tried and tried to talk him out of it. I am simply along for the ride. I am totally wearing a shirt that says, "This was HIS idea" with an arrow pointing to Rob. Although I hope they would know I mean the surprise and NOT the baby! I might have to re-think that wording. Do you think that "Your son is crazy and refused to let me tell you until we walked off of this plane" would be too long for a T-shirt? Probably.

They will be thrilled...when the inital shock wears off. And honestly, you have to know my in-laws. They won't be angry, really they won't, I know them. They will just be completely shocked beyond belief at first, I mean look at how big I am now (just wait until I upload my latest pics)! They are a different breed of people, I can't quite explain it, but just trust me on this one.

...And, you have to admit, what in the world will ever top this surprise???

“They can call me crazy if I fail, all the chance that I need, is one-in-a-million and they can call me brilliant if I succeed.”

-Ani Difranco

Week 16...

Here I am...Week 16!!! Only two weeks until the big U/S!

Also, some exciting news... I am feeling better. Finally!!! Hallelujah! I can honestly say, this is about the first time since Week 6 since I have felt almost 100% like myself. It is wonderful!



I have a confession post coming up later this week. Don't miss it, it sure is a juicy one. Stay tuned!

“I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same things too, So we're really not that different, me and you.”

-Colin Raye

Regret...

So as soon as I posted my whiny headache post the other day I felt like an idiot. There are girls out there, and I used to be one of them, probably thinking "Beyotch, snap out of it, I would do anything, ANYTHING to be in your place. I dream of a pregnancy related headaches, morning sickness and stretch marks." And they are so, so right.

Rewind to me, 4 months ago. I would have given anything, ANYTHING to finally be pregnant and now here I am, amazingly, wonderfully pregnant after two years of trying and infertility, and what do I do? Whine. It sucked big time, 5 days straight of a headache that honestly made me feel like absolute shit for 24 hours a day, but compared to the deep pain of infertility is like comparing a stubbed toe to a broken leg.

I still feel the sting of infertility, even while pregnant. My belly is growing, but I still can't 100% believe that it is actually happening to us. On top of that, I still feel like something could go wrong at any time, crushing these hopes and dreams we've so carefully crafted over the last couple of months. That is one of the things that IF does to you, makes you doubt your own body constantly, and I'm sure I will...up until the moment we get to hold Baby M safe and sound in our arms.

“Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh.”

-Henry David Thoreau

Whiner...

WARNING: I am going to proceed to whine.

I feel like the biggest whiner ever but honestly, pregnancy is not gentle with me. At this point, I would do just about anything, (besides being un-pregnant), to make this headache go away. Stand on my head? I'll do it. Bury a cows horn at midnight? No prob. Shave my cat Peanut? Done. Sell my firstborn? No way. Carry on headache. Ha.

I have officially this headache from hell for 5 days straight. I cannot function, I cannot eat without feeling sick from the headache, I cannot sleep from the headache, I cannot concentrate on work. I'm not trying to sound ungrateful, I'm really not, but this headache is serious. Maybe that is why it took us so long, maybe it was God's way of saying, "Are you sure...no, but seriously, are you REALLY sure? Because this is NOT going to be smooth sailing. You're sure then? Ok, well...don't say I didn't warn you!"

NOTE: Very important: I am, of course, still obscenely, crazily and supremely happy for our Baby M coming in January, I just wish pregnancy didn't mean me hiding from the light like a vampire (damn light sensitivity) or throwing up in the middle of a restaurant (nausea from the headache) or having to shove my fingers into my eye sockets at work in an attempt to numb the pain. I just wish there was SOMETHING that might make it at least bearable. According to the doctor I can try acupuncture and that's about it since Tylenol does absolutely nothing, so I'm trying to get an appointment ASAP.


This is also the reason for my lack of blogging. The computer screen is basically my worst enemy to my headache, aside from natural light, so since I stare at it all day I try and stay away. I'm sorry for the whining, but I would be lying on my blog if I wrote that I feel like sunshine and roses right now. I honestly want a record of everything, even the not so fun times, so here it is, honest to blog.


In happier news everything came out great with the bloodwork from Baby M's NT scan. YAY! I have scheduled the BIG US for AUGUST 6th. We're so excited to find out. We CANNOT WAIT!!!!!

Here is my quickly taken Week 15 shot. I made Rob do it even though I felt like absolute crap and just wanted to lay with my head on the cold bathroom floor (note the sunglasses, I just could not take them off). Damnit, I'm going to have these pictures, whether my head likes it or not!




And a just for fun picture of Rob and I at the St. Paul Rodeo over 4th of July weekend. His mom gave him this cowboy hat when he moved out to Oregon (she apparently thinks that is what we wear our here) and it was the first time in 4 years he got to wear it!

"Would you like some cheese with that whine?"

-Unknown

ps. Mmmmm.... cheese. Must go find some.

Happy Fourth of July!!

Here we are at Week 14!

Baby M's latest photo shoot at the NT Scan (and I have to point out that is TOTALLY my profile!!) looking good baby, looking good!

Funny story about today. We went to my Aunt and Uncle's house for a family BBQ and it was the first time them seeing us since we announced we were pregnant. Here is how it went with my aunt:

Auntie J: "Hello!!!" ::immediately rubs stomach:: Nooo! The horror!

Me: :: gently removes hand from belly:: "Hi Auntie J, how are you?"

Auntie J: "My goodness, is it twins? It looks like it is twins!" ::hand to belly again::

Me: "No, no. Quite sure it isn't twins." ::covers stomach with massive purse::

Auntie J: "Are you sure? It looks like it!" ::attempts to navigate around purse::

Ok, so I may look a little big for 14 weeks, but SERIOUSLY I am not THAT big! I guess I better get used to it...and the damn belly rubs! Get off of my BELLAH!!!

"The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together."

-Erma Bombeck

Ahhhhh...

So here I am, two days late on my promised blogging. Why? Because my weekly migraine hit, at about 2:00 on Tuesday. It is so strange, it is always comes on while I'm at work and always at around 2:00. It held on strong until last night. It just kills me. It makes it impossible for me to concentrate at work, cranky when I get home, and awake all night long.

I felt so bad because it was still going strong for Rob's birthday yesterday, so bad that I felt sick and shaky. We had plans to go to dinner and I was absolutely miserable during dinner. I tried so hard, but could barely keep my eyes open from my headache, I had to squint even until the dim restaurant lights and my hands kept shaking. Amazingly it seemed to stop at about 10:00 last night but left me cranky and exhausted after almost 36 hours of migraine. So I feel terrible about his birthday, I really do and the only thing I got really cranky to him about was that we argued about cutting the cord on the way home from the restaurant. Apparently he's "not sure" if he wants to do it, and me in my weak, shaky and cranky state just got really snippy with him.

Me: "Why don't you want to?"

Rob: "I just don't know if I want to"

Me: "Well, when do you think you might decide this?"

Rob: "I dunno. Couldn't you maybe do it?"

Me: "Are you SERIOUS? I'm going to be squeezing something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a lemon and probably will be a.) a little tired b.) a little in pain and c.) in the middle of getting my vagina reconstructed, so I think I don't think I'll be able to."

Yes, I was a bitch. I apologized later, as did he. He really didn't expect me to do it, but I think he is a little nervous at the thought at doing it himself so I'm just going to let that go. He doesn't have to and who knows what will happen on that day. As long as he's there with me, that is all that matters. So anyways, other than my mini-bitchy time, he did have a good birthday in that he got some really nice olive oil from Baby M (he is a trained chef so that sort of thing is exciting on a birthday) and two pairs of swimming shorts from me (one for wrestling, one for swimming this summer). Dinner was delicious as well, so all in all it was a good day for him.

Ok, on to the good stuff. The NT scan on Tuesday morning went really well. We were running totally late, I cannot believe I got from Hillsboro to Portland in 15 minutes at 8:00 in the morning. Unheard of! I wasn't even speeding! It was actually a really fun ultrasound, my first one that wasn't with my friend "the wand". When we got into the room and the nurse put the jelly on me stomach Rob got all excited and said, "this is a belly one? Oh good!" I had to laugh at him because the nurse looked at him really funny. We saw Baby M on the television above the bed for probably a good 30 minutes. No nub sighting, even though Rob kept exclaiming "Look at how much HE'S moving." "Look at HIS head, it is huge!" and so on. The doctor came in and said that everything on the ultrasound end looked totally normal. I just now have to wait for the blood test results. Speaking of the blood test the nurse dug around in my veins for a good FIVE MINUTES until she could get my vein, OUCH!

So today I am OFF WORK. It is my first day off since we found out we were pregnant. Let me tell you it feels so incredible. My job has been really stressful lately, and quite frankly I'm been pretty miserable. I feel like I have no time to think about my pregnancy, no time to plan things, no time to do anything. I'm always cranky and stressed and the job is just getting to me lately (sorry Jen and Marlo if you're reading this, I still love you girls). Here I sit today, blogging from my bed in pajamas at 9:00 am. I love it. I love that I have nothing to worry about today. It feels amazing. I wish I could leave work at work, but it just hasn't happened lately. I've even started logging on to work when I get home just to get things done.

To tell the truth, I really miss the freedom of real estate. I could get up leisurely most days, my house was always clean, I was outside all the time running around from house to office, I had the freedom of taking a day when I needed it and sleeping in if I worked late the night before. I miss it. I really do. I am so thankful for this job since if I was still in real estate I would be making no money whatsoever, and for the benefits it provides, but it has been tough lately and I'm not quite sure how to fix that. It seems like no matter how overloaded employees are at this company, there's always room for more, more projects, more goals, more, more, more. No one ever says no either, it is just the company culture.

I'm having a hard time with it right now. I have to stay at this job, but I can't help but thing how differently I'd be feeling during my pregnancy if I was still working for myself. Although then I have to think, would I even be pregnant? Probably not! I supposed I'd rather be working here and pregnant than still be infertile so that positive outweighs the negatives right now. ::sigh:: I guess I just had to get that off my chest.

I haven't taken my 14 week picture yet, I'm going to have Rob start taking them for me tonight, I think it is time to be rid of the awkward angles of my self-portraits! So I'll be posting that latest picture tonight along with Baby M's latest photo shoot.

Now, I'm off to have some tea outside on the patio. Then I'm going to do some leisurely shopping at Nordstrom Rack, Barnes and Noble and Gap Maternity. After that I'm going to come home and take a nap. Seriously, does that not sound like the best plan for a day EVER? Don't be jealous!

“The best cure for an off day is a day off”

-Frank Tyger