The Story...

Hello! So I know my blog was short yesterday and didn't go into all the details, but I was trying to let it all sink it...and it still hasn't. I feel like I'm in some kind of crazy, fabulous dream and that I'm going to wake up any moment!

First of all I have to thank all of you readers. I was absolutely amazed with the amount of support that I received! I knew people were out there reading, I thought 15, 20, maybe even 30 but this outpouring of encouragement and congratulations was so amazing. I honestly just could not believe it every time I went. You know that Elton John song from the Lion King? Can You Feel The Love Tonight,( which by the way always struck was as wildly inappropriate lyrics for a child's movie, but I digress), I CAN feel the love tonight! Thank you so much everyone!!!

So let's go back to Saturday night. Rob and I had done some shopping and happened to drive by a local dollar tree.

Me: "Do you think I should test tomorrow morning, before my Beta on Monday?"

Rob: "Sure, why not?"

Me: "Well I never test...it's like, my thing."

Rob: "That's dumb. Let's go get a test, where do we get one?"

Me: "Really? I don't know... I don't think I can. If I don't I'll have one more day of being possibly pregnant bliss."

Rob: "So you don't want to?"

Me: "No...er..yes...durr. I don't know. You decide."

Rob: "Ok yes, YES. We're going to get one."

So we ended up at the Dollar Tree, which by the way THRILLED Rob that you can get pregnancy tests for a dollar, so we bought two. I don't know why two, but that is what he grabbed. We went home and I put them upstairs thinking in the bathroom thinking, maybe I won't test. Maybe he'd forget and I wouldn't have to see a big fat negative.

Sunday morning. I work up at 7:00 having to pee like a racehorse and for some reason I suddenly had the urge to test. I was so sure they would be negative but hey, they're there and then I won't have to stress about it all day until Monday. So I open up the normal sized box and pull out what appears to be the smallest pregnancy test ever made. Is this a joke? This looks like it is made for Teen Pregnancy Barbie. The spot you have to pee on is insanely small, and I'm not kidding, it is the size of a grain of rice. At this point I'm thinking, what kind of aim do you need for these things? Then I found the eye dropper. WTH am I supposed to do with THIS? So since now at this point I'm half asleep, hopping from one foot to the other, desperately needing to pee, with a midget pregnancy test in one hand and a eye dropper in the other, I figure it might be a good time to read the directions. I read them...CRAP! I need a cup to pee in, then I use the eye dropper to squeeze out some pee and drop precisely four drops into the grain-of-rice-sized hole in the test. Ok then... Hmmm. Do I run downstairs and get a cup that will then forever be the "cup that held my pee and can no longer be drank out of" or do I pull a McGyver and find something to pee in here in the bathroom? I go for choice #2. So do you all remember the Prometrium into the toilet story on Saturday? Well, I got my refill but happened to still have the other bottle of ruined Prometrium in the bathroom. Hmm, that is cup shaped, no? So I dump out the meds and rinse out the prescription bottle. Yes, this is what it has come to. I peed in the rinsed out prescription bottle, and let me tell you...after opening the box, puzzling over tiniest test EVER, reading the directions and finding my makeshift cup this was sweet relief to finally get to pee!

I've figured at this point that if dollar tree is going to sell you a test for $1 they're going to make you work for this. You want to pay a dollar cheapskate? Well you're going to have to jump through some hoops to get this done, lady. So I take the eye dropper and drop four drops into the instructed hole in the test. Then I set it on the counter and stare. I know it is going to be negative, I just know it. In ten seconds up pops up the first line. ARGH. See this is why I don't test. I hold back tears and decide that, well, at least now I know. I can move on and out of limbo. I start to brush my teeth, blinking back tears, and look down again. Wait. WAIT. Hold ON. What is that??? Toothbrush falls to the sink and I grab the test. OH.MY.GOODNESS. Something I have never seen before, the fabled second line. It is light but it is definitely there. I cannot breathe, I really can't. I cannot believe this. I had to sit down for a minute, because I felt like I was going to pass out right there on the floor of our bathroom, tiny test in hand.

A minute later, hands shaking, I walk out of the bathroom. Remember that at this point it is about 7:15 am on a Sunday morning.

Me: "Rob."

Rob: "Uunnnrrmmmg."

Me: "ROB. WAKE UP!"

Rob (all bleary eyed and half asleep): "Hmmm..What's up babe?"

Me: "I think you need to wake up now."

Rob (suddenly sits up, awake now): "WHAT? Did you test? What? WHAT?It's positive isn't it?"

Me: "I did. I think it is positive. You look at it, you tell me. I can't believe it...::begin senseless blubbering and babbling::"

I bring it to him and we look. It is, in fact, positive. We are pregnant. We honestly sit there and stare at it, in disbelief. I don't think either of us actually thought this was going to work. Suddenly both of us break into huge smiles, I tear up, and he pets my stomach, "We did it. We did it! Oh my God we did it!" We snuggled down in bed and talked about it until we had to get ready for church at 9:00.

Rob rushes downstairs to make me breakfast while I get ready. I, being the skeptic that I am, decided that what if this test WAS wrong? What if I got one of those rare faulty positives? So I force myself to pee again in the prescription cup and take the second test. Up pop both lines this time, clear as day. I run downstairs;

Me: "Look, Look!!! I AM pregnant!"

Rob: "Did you take the other one? ::laughing at me::"

Me: "Yes, I had to know"

We go to church and I almost start crying during some of the songs because I truly believe that this is our miracle and I am so thankful for this chance. This thing that we have wanted for so long that is actually happening now. I still cannot wrap my mind around this.

We spend the rest of the day talking about the baby. We are incredulous. Shocked. Amazed. Stunned. Over the freaking moon.

Monday morning I go in for my beta, praying for a high number, something that will tell me this is actually happening, that this is real. The nurse calls back at 11:00 in the afternoon to tell me that my beta was great, 161.5. That congratulations, I'm pregnant. It's amazing how it felt even more real when an actual medical professional said it to me. You never know about that dollar tree, no one should have to work that hard to put pee on a stick!

That is my story. There are some things different than when I originally dreamed of a BFP. I imagined telling Rob in some fabulously creative way, something to really remember, instead in my shock and joy I yelling at him to wake up at 7:15 in the morning. Also, I always thought that when you get your BFP then everything is peachy. You're pregnant and that is the end of it. At least that is what I thought in the beginning. I know better than that now. For me, I get my BFP, I get my Beta #1, #2 and #3, I get several ultrasounds hoping and praying for a heartbeat, for continued growth, for no problems. It's almost like the first trimester is a test I need to pass. I've got weeks ahead of me where I am just hoping and praying 24 hours a day that I pass this initial test.

I wanted to share this on Sunday night, but there was people who check my blog that I didn't want to find out via blog so I kept it on the down low. You don't even realize how hard that "fake" blog entry was on Sunday night. I so wanted to shout it from the damn rooftops!

Thank you again from the bottom of my heart for the support you've all shown me. Don't worry, I'm going to keep the blog going throughout this crazy journey. I hope you'll all come along for the ride or at least come and visit once in awhile.

“The child must know that he is a miracle, that since the beginning of the world there hasn't been, and until the end of the world there will not be, another child like him.”

-Pablo Casals

PRICELESS...

20 boxes of green tea ...........................$
3 bottles of Robitussin..........................$
1 Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor............$$$
5 boxes of OPKs.....................................$$
3 Pregnancy Tests....................................$
5 boxes of Preseed.................................$$
1 Semen Analysis......................................$$$
10 Blood Tests........................................$$
1 Hystosalpinogram..................................$$$$
2 Ultrasounds.........................................$$$$
3 visits to the RE....................................$$$$
4 Rounds of Clomid................................$$
1 bottle of Prometrium...............................$
1 Semen Wash........................................ $$
1 IUI.........................................................$$$
_____________________________________

Finding out you are finally pregnant after exactly two years of trying...........

PRICELESS.


I.AM.PREGNANT!!!!!!!

"Just the other night the baby was crying,

so I got out of bed rocked her awhile and I held her tight,

and I told her it would be all right.

My mind went back to a few years ago,

we tried so long, we almost gave up hope

and I remember you coming in and telling me the news.

Oh man we were living, going crazy in the kitchen.

We danced and screamed and held each other tight.

We laughed until we cried."

-Jason Aldean "Laughed Until We Cried"

Spot Watch 4/27/2008...

NO SPOTTING!!!

Beta tomorrow at 8:00 am.

"Alice laughed. 'There's no use trying,' she said. 'One can't believe impossible things.' 'I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. 'When I was your age, I always did it half an hour a day. Why, sometimes, I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.'"

- Lewis Carroll, Alice In Wonderland

Spot Watch 4/26/2008...

STILL NO SPOTTING!

So with that update out of the way I have a funny story....

Last night when I was opening my prometrium,(to stick them where the sun don't shine), the top flew off and ALL the pills fell into the toilet. The TOILET! ARGH! I quickly scooped them out and attempted to dry them off but when I went to take one this morning I found that they had all fused together in a solid mass. I wrestled one off to take this morning (hey, the toilet water was clean and at this point I'm not going to get squeamish), but figured it would be a better move to just get some more. I don't know how water affects them and I don't want to take any chances.

So since they are "refill" as needed I went to the pharmacy to sheepishly explain why I needed to refill them 5 days before they were due to be refilled. I walk up to the lady, we'll call her Super Smart Pharm Lady, at the pharmacy counter:

Me: "Excuse me, I need to refill my prometrium prescription. I dropped mine in the toilet."

SSPL: "Hmmm, it looks like you don't have a refill."

Me: "Are you sure? I thought they were refill as needed."

SSPL: "Hmmm, no. We'll have to call your doctor. Which means they may not get back to you by Monday."

Me: "Um, ok. I guess I'll just use the ones I have."

SSPl: "The ones that fell in the TOILET?"

Me: "Yeah. What else am I supposed to do? Sheesh lady."

SSPL: :: looks at me like I'm insane::

I walk away from the counter and think, hmm, that's weird. It isn't like I'm taking them orally.

Ten minutes later I get a call from my RE's office, (they're open on Saturdays and Sundays, God bless them!), asking why I'm trying to refill my CLOMID since I'm due for bloodwork on Monday.

::head smack::

Stupid pharmacy lady didn't listen to WHICH prescription I was asking for. No wonder she looked at me like I was totally disgusting, she thought I was talking about taking Clomid pills out of the toilet water and swallowing them! EW!

Rob and I laughed about that for about 10 minutes!

"Life can be wildly tragic at times, and I've had my share. But whatever happens to you, you have to keep a slightly comic attitude. In the final analysis, you have got not to forget to laugh."

-Katherine Houghton Hepburn

Spot Watch 4/25/2008...

Still NO SPOTTING!

I am trying my hardest not to think that it means anything for sure, but really my mind is racing. I tell myself, and others, that I would really just be grateful to not have any spotting, because I should be thankful for little blessings, right? I've dealt with it, with no explanation, for over a year now and I would be so glad if it was something as little as my progesterone levels that caused it (although why the hell have my tests always come up perfectly normal? Grr!). However, I'm straight out lying when I say "If the spotting doesn't show but its still a BFN, I'll be happy with at least that." I'm lying, lying, lying... I'll be crushed. It'll be like my body has PUNK'ed my ass big time, a la Ashton Kutcher, except I'm not a celebrity and it isn't really funny. My uterus will say to my ovaries,

Ute: "We really got her good this time!"
Ovie: "Yeah! What a sucker! PSYCH!"

...and then they'll high-five.

On top of that, I can't get my hopes up too much because I really don't have any symptoms whatsoever. At all. I'm tired, but then again I'm always tired. My job drains me and I don't think I've felt completely awake or alert since I started the damn thing in December. I know it would be early for symptoms, but couldn't I just have one bout of extreme nausea? Just one? Come sore nipples perhaps? No? Come ON!

Lastly, my quote is long this time and I know that some people they get a little miffed by the first part about being a better mother. For me it is not saying that I'll be a better mother than anyone but myself. I'll be a better mother than the me from two years ago, when we just began this journey. In a way infertility has been a blessing in disguise. Even it if doesn't work this time, or next time, or at all and we end up adopting our child, that child will know, its entire life, that it was wanted so desperately and loved so much, long before its life even began.

"Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.I have learned to appreciate life.Yes I will be a wonderful mother."

-Unknown

Spot Watch 4/24/2008...

Still no spotting! As we speak, I'm actually physically knocking on wood with one hand any typing with the other. Seriously! Why? Well, you know how I said in my blog yesterday that my face has been so clear and I haven't had a blemish since I started drinking my gallons of water a day? Guess what I got today? A zit on my chin. Not just any old zit either. This one is a doozy, one of those big, under the skin ones that makes my entire chin throb. I jinxed myself!!! I'm SO hoping I've only jinxed myself with the zit part and not the spotting part.

Three more days until my beta. Three more days of possibly being pregnant. I can't wait for them to be over, yet I don't want to letlet go of the possibility either.

Tune in tomorrow for more Spotwatch!

"Dum spiro, spero (While I breathe, I hope)"

-Latin Proverb

Spot Watch 4/23/2008...

Every cycle I usually start spotting anywhere from 7dpo to 10 dpo. Well, I'm 9dpiui and there is no sign of spotting. Hopefully I'm not jinxing myself by posting this, but I'm SO CLOSE to at least reaching a milestone of not starting the spotting when I usually do that I can barely contain my excitment.

On the flip side, I'm absolutely TERRIFIED every time I use the bathroom, which is a lot because I drink more water than any normal human should. I carry these two huge water bottles to our water cooler at work every morning and drink them throughout the day. Drinking my water keeps me from eating constantly, what can I say... I'm apparently orally fixated. On a positive note, the huge amount of water I consume daily have done absolute wonders for my skin, I really haven't had a blemish since I started drinking. I can say that my mother was actually right when she told me drinking water would make my skin fabulous, though I'd never tell her that, she's kinda of an "I told you so" kind of gal, my mother. The downside, I pee just about every 10 minutes at work. Since I work in entirely too close of quarters with my co-workers I'm sure they either think that a.) I'm a ranging bulimic or b.) I'm pregnant or c.) shooting up intravenous drugs in the bathroom.

How is that for a tangent? As I was originally saying, I am terrified to go to the bathroom, I'm so sure every time that I walk into the stall that the spotting has returned and my hopes will come crashing down. I almost don't want to drink my requisite two jugs of water so I just don't have to actually go into the bathroom all day long. Like I could somehow ward it off by holding it. How is that for skewed infertility logic for you?

Please send me ::STAY AWAY DAMNED SPOT:: vibes!

“Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.”

-Unknown

Damn Meds...

Does taking Progesterone make anyone else STARVING?!?!

I got home from work today and ate the following (in no particular order):

1. Pork Top Ramen

2. A half a pineapple

3. Chips and Salsa

4. A couple handfuls of little tomatoes

5. A handful of low fat Cheez Its

6. Leftover steak from last night's dinner.

7. A piece of my Tangerine Glaze Bundt Cake from Sunday Dinner.

So gross! I have turned into crazy, rabid, ravenous, non-stop eating pig. Now that I look back at that list I'm totally disgusted by half of it...and I'm still hungry. AND I had a late lunch! Stupid Meds, they're going to make a fat cow of me yet, pregnant or not!

"Nothing would be more tiresome than eating and drinking if God had not made them a pleasure as well as a necessity."

-Voltaire

The Dreaded Two Week Wait...

... is absolutely driving me insane, crazy, batty, nutty this time around. I mean SERIOUSLY! I am physically and mentally incapable of thinking about anything else other than the outcome of this cycle. I wish I could will my mind to think about something, anything, but I simply cannot. Let me give you a little peek into the madness that is my mind right now:

"Am I?"

"Probably not"

"...But maybe"

"What if..."

"Damn, don't get your hopes up"

"...But maybe"

"15% chance w/IUI... that isn't so great"

"...it is way better than less that 3% on our own..."

"What if I have twins"

"What if I have triplets"

"Where would we put them all?"

"Don't be silly"

"I could tell my mom on Mother's Day"

"I would BE a Mom on Mother's Day"

"Stoppit, you're just torturing yourself, remember LAST Mother's Day? Same stuff, difference day"

"...But MAYBE"

"Stop, JUST STOP"


It is horrible, this perpetual state of "maybe", this limbo that goes on during these two short weeks it absolutely agonizing. I read the T-TTC boards on the nest and see girls who announce that they're pregnant after their first IUI and I think, "Yes, SEE self? It CAN happen?" Then I see the ones that tried 2...3...4...5...6 times unsuccessfully and had to move on to IVF and the negative thoughts come back. IUIs are basically the end of the road for us, TTC-wise, and that end just keeps getting closer with every month, it is looming in the distance. So right now all my energy in this 2ww is directed towards thinking and praying that I get a positive outcome. Ha, ha...get it? POSITIVE outcome? See? I have stooped to new levels of craziness, as that isn't even funny. Today I feel like I just cannot be in limbo for another week, for another couple of days even. These two weeks feel like another 2 years of this journey and I'm tired.

It is funny how my blog title really sums it all up for me right now. Right now I am truly defined by A Baby? Maybe...

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us, we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be"

- C.S. Lewis

Tagged By Jen...

Alright, so forever and a day ago I was tagged by the lovely and absolutely hilarious Jen from "Maybe If You Just Relax..."(http://www.jennepper.com/, please visit her blog she is one of my #1 favorite IF bloggers) and I've been meaning to do the darn thing and just keep forgetting, so here I go...

Here are Six Non-important things/habits/quirks about moi:

1. I eat Gerber Baby Sausages, the "Meat" flavor only. Yes, I said Meat. No, I don't actually know what is in the "Meat" flavor. It is probably the only time that Rob is absolutely and completely disgusted with me. I could fart, burp pick my zits and swear all at the same time and he wouldn't be half as grossed out as his is when I break out my "meat" sticks. I have no idea why I eat them, apparently my mother never weaned me off of them as a small child. I suppose the fact that the cats practically attack me to get to them while I'm eating one of my delicious little meat sticks should probably tell me a thing or two about the quality of what I'm eating. I've told Rob that this will probably become a problem when we actually have children, as in "Daddddyyyy! Mommy stole me meat stick...AGAIN". Not to mention those little suckers are freaking expensive! What can I say, I've got expensive taste...obviously.

2. I only like purple perfumes. The kicker to this is, I hate the color purple. Really. I don't have one item of clothing that is purple but about 20 perfume bottles, all purple, lined up on my counter top. I've got to the point I won't even smell one that isn't purple because I know I won't like it.

3. I call my animals by very strange names. My dogs, Lou and Harley, I call my "Puddings". My cats, Peanut and Jack, I call my "Meowers". So strange and so childish... I know. I've even caught myself talking about other people dogs to Rob saying "Oh look at THOSE puddings!" People around me look at me like I've lost my head.

4. I'm a sucker for bargain shopping. The Rack, Marshalls, TJ Maxx...they're all like my second home. It must be the thrill of the hunt because let me tell you, there is nothing more thrilling than finding a pair of adorable Cole Haan heels for $50 and a beautiful Francesco Biasia purse for $80. Ok, maybe there are a couple more thrilling things than that, but those are pretty darn exciting regardless!

5. I have a slight obsession with anything Harry Potter. Actually that goes for both of us. We watch the movies all the time (and by all the time I mean at least once or twice a month)and we've both read the books multiple times. Case in point, we were in Florence, Italy when the 4th book came out so we scoured every bookstore in Florence until we tracked down a British version. Consequently, I spent the next 3 days lying on a beach in Greece reading the damn thing as fast as I could because Rob wanted to read it too. To add to the Harry Potter mania, when we got home we found that our British version did not match our American versions, which meant we had to go out and buy the American version too... so we had a matching set. Yes, we are slightly crazy. I know this.

6. I totally freak out if I wake up and realize I'm sleeping diagonally. We have a very large Cal King bed and if we both toss and turn enough we often end up in this position. I have no idea why but it practically gives me a panic attack when I wake up like this. Of course Rob is usually fast asleep when it happens and DOES NOT appreciate me repeatedly poking him in his side and hissing "WE'RE DIAGONAL...MOOOOVE OVER. SERIOUSLY, MOVE OVER...NOW!" at 3:00 in the morning. Shocking!

The End!

"A red rose is not selfish because it wants to be a red rose. It would be horribly selfish if it wanted all the other flowers in the garden to be both red and roses.”
-Oscar Wilde

IOU For My IUI...

So today didn't exactly go smoothly...

Let me begin with yesterday morning when I went to take my OPK, as per my doctors instructions I use my second pee of the morning. This proves to be way trickier than instructed on my pamphlet. First of all, I pee at 7:00 every morning when I wake up. Normal no? Well instructions from my RE say "use second urine of the morning" which would be easier said than done except for the instructions on the OPK package instructs me to hold it for four hours and NOT drink anything (skip my morning tea??) before using my OPK. On top of it all I apparently must force myself to pee even though I've had nothing to drink BEFORE 10:00 in the MORNING. So let me break this down, pee once, no drinking all morning no tea or water or ANYTHING, then pee again even though you have nothing TO PEE all before 10:00. Easy!

So Sunday morning, I try and do this but get barley a trickle. ARGH! It blinks, indicating it is working and comes up with a negative. So I think I'm in the clear. However, my body begs to differ and gives me crazy ovulation pains all day long. So me, completely defying doctors clear instructions to "Please only test in the morning", test again last night around 6:30. Positive. Crap! What does this mean? I stress about it all night long and call the nurse first thing in the morning, she of course asks if I've taken one this morning. Seriously? It is 8 am how could I have pee for a second time WITHOUT DRINKING ANYTHING YET? These are medical professionals, do they not know that in order to pee you have to actually drink something? I say no. She is sure that tomorrow will be fine for my IUI but tells me to call if there is a negative when I actually take my OPK. She schedules Rob for 7:30 am Tuesday morning and me for 9:30 which is great because he won't even be late for work and I'll have time to tell my boss I'll need to leave for a couple hours.

Of course that would just be too easy. I finally work up a full enough bladder to pee around 11:45 (yes, it DOES take me that long!) and guess what, it is now negative. ?!#$%! So now I have to go stand outside my office (nosy co-workers do not need to know the status of my ovaries) and call the doctor's office, who decide that we should come in today, like now. Can your husband come right now? Now? Of course he can, he is sitting at home eating bonbons, he'll be right down. I call Rob.

Me: "Can you please go down and do it now?"

Rob: "NOW?"

Me: "Yes now!"

Rob: "Are you kidding?"

Me: "Um...No."

Rob: "ARGH. What the hell? I can't get out of here until 1:00, so I wouldn't be able to get in until 1:30. What am I supposed to tell my boss?"

Me: "I'm sorry my BODY IS NOT COOPERATING. We can just cancel it this month if you can't make it ::cue the wobbly voice and start of the tears as I begin to lose it::"

Rob: "No no no! I'll make it. Call them and see if they can get my in at 1:45"

This is not how I imagined the conception of our child. Candles, some sexy lingerie, snuggling afterwards NOT arguing on the phone about the short notice of him needing to give a sperm sample. The doctor's office makes his appointment for 1:45 and mine is at 2:30.

I head downtown at 1:45 only to get a frantic call from Rob at 1:50.


Rob: "Where is this place!!!?? What is the cross street?"

Me: "Are you KIDDING ME? I told you a million times last time, you've been there three times and you can't find the damn place? AND IT IS ALREADY 1:50 AND YOU'RE NOT THERE YET?"

Rob: "I got here as fast as I could!!! Don't get mad at me"

Me: "Lovejoy! It is on LOVEJOY! Just like it was LAST TIME!"

Rob: "Alright I'm running in now."

So that is it. He gave his and ran back to work, I went in and the doctor shot me up. And that was is. No candles and lingerie but as Rob told me when I called him afterwards, "it is the outcome that matters." Which is true, it isn't like this is our only...er...intimate interaction, it is just unfortunate that those interactions cannot produce a baby. We've also been instructed to have sex tonight, which I believe is a ploy by doctors to let couples think that maybe, just maybe it wasn't the IUI done in a cold, sterile room with strangers, and that maybe that time it worked. One would never know for sure now would they? It is a nice enough sentiment, if this actually works this month I might just let myself believe it.

I also found out today that my insurance is not only covering basically no other diagnostics, but they do not cover "artificial insemination" as they told me. Lovely, they can't even use the correct terminology in their email to me. So we're basically paying for this totally out of pocket from now on. An IOU for my IUI. Let's hope this works! I could use all you've got for this cycle, hopes, prayers, good vibes...the whole shebang.

"You should've gone to China, you know, 'cause I hear they give away babies like free iPods. You know, they pretty much just put them in those t-shirt guns and shoot them out at sporting events."

-Juno (which happens to come out tomorrow on DVD!)

How Does My Garden Grow...?

Inside of course!

We officially cannot eat on our dining room table because the dining room is currently acting as my greenhouse to over 100 kinds of tiny baby flowers, herbs and vegetables:

Rob has promised to build me a greenhouse outside next year (yes, he is that handy!)... if only for the sole reason that he wants to be able to eat at the dinner table between March and May!

"All my hurts my garden spade can heal."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ever Feel Like You're Being Watched...?

One more thing...I checked my Sitemeter, which records referring websites that visit my blog, and for the third time in a month my blog is part of a University Web Course discussion. I've also found a link to my blog from an online college course syllabus. I'd love to know why this is. Can anyone at University of California San Marcos enlighten me?

"I always feel like

Somebodys watchin me..."

-Rockwell "Somebody's Watching Me" circa 1984

The Elephant In the Room...

During this 2 year long journey from TTC to infertility I have told a couple people here and there about our quest. Only a couple very close friends know, most recently I grudgingly told my co-worker who is the Benefits Administrator in my department since I needed her to help out with my IF coverage. It isn't that I'm hiding it, or ashamed of it, I just have never felt the need to share this very private issue with the world...

Hmm...I kind of do share it with the world don't I? Let me rephrase that. I have never felt the need to share this with real live people I see and talk to every day in my world. People I mostly likely will never meet on the internet do not count! Yes, I see the irony in this statement. I can share this with hundereds of complete strangers but not my own mother. Crazy, yes. I know, but you don't know my mother.

Two years of TTC and a year of IF treatments and I've haven't even given her a hint about what is going on. Really, I probably should have told her in the very beginning, or when the first inkling of a problem began to form in my mind. Now that we've hit the two year mark I feel like we've gone too far. Like it is too late to tell her. Too big of a secret. I usually tell my mom everything, but in the beginning this was just for Rob and I. As time progressed I didn't share because she had enough on her plate and I didn't want to stress her with my fears about not being able to get pregnant. Now, I'm afraid she will feel like I've been hiding this huge thing from her, it is the elephant in the room.

I go over to dinner to her house almost every Tuesday when Rob is wrestling. For the past couple Tuesdays I have sat on the bar stool in the kitchen that I grew up in while she cooks dinner,

"Mom, there is something I need to tell you."

That is all it would take. Just those words. They are literally on the tip of my tongue. I just cannot seem to coax them out of my mouth. What if she is upset? We've gone through drugs, treatments, procedures, doctors visits...all without confiding in her. What if she is disapproving of our treatment? Not that it is her decision, but my mother is an extremely opinionated person who is very quick to judge on medical issues.

"It took me 20 years to get pregnant"
"It will happen when the time is right"
"What is your rush?"
"You don't have the money for this"
"You need a second opinion"
"You should not be taking fertility drugs"
"How do you know what this is doing to your body"
"The US health system is so corrupt, they're just trying to get all your money"
"Maybe your body is trying to tell you this isn't the right time"

I want to tell her. I do. But I also don't need any of those reactions right now, even with the chance she would be completely supportive and accepting of our choices. I just can't take the risk, for my sanity. So there I sit, every week, biting my tongue and talking about weather, work, and whatever else, trying to act like everything is normal and everything is fine while the elephant stands in the corner...waiting to be introduced.

"If you reveal your secrets to the wind you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees. "

-Kahil Gibran

Better Late Than Never...

So I left work early on Wednesday and Rob was going to meet me downtown to go to our much anticipated RE appointment. It was the first appointment he's ever gone to with me, and other than his sperm analysis last summer he had to go in for, it is his first infertility related appointment. Here is how it went...

I got downtown half an hour early, I think it was the excitement and the nerves that made it just impossible for me to sit at work for any longer than humanly necessary that day. I parked and walked into the building where the offices were, but I didn't want to go in all by myself. How ridiculous is that? I've been to a million appointments by myself, and this one I just couldn't go in. Instead sat on the bench by the elevator and called Rob for the millionth time that day. The first 999,999 times I was asking him if he knew how to get there, when he was going to leave, again " Are you SURE you remember how to get here?"

After I had confirmed that, yes, he did in fact know how to get there since I had told him a couple times earlier that day I sat and waited for him on the bench. As I waited quite a few couples came in and out of the office. I tried not to stare but they intrigued me. I kept thinking "Wow, all of these people are in the same boat as us." It is pretty funny, even after talking to hundreds of women having trouble trying to get pregnant on message boards and reading the IF blogs, infertility is still a really insular thing. For some strange reason it surprised me the amount of couples that went in and out of this office. Really young, not so young and some that were downright old. I swear, one man and wife looked like they just may be senior citizens. I do realize that we're really not the only infertiles in the Portland-Metro area, but it just caught me off guard.

It turns out that Rob did know how to get there. He arrived 5 minutes after my last nagging phone call instructing him exactly how to get into the parking garage. I was so glad to see him, even though he was covered head to toe in mud since he had come straight from work.

Once checked in and in the waiting room we didn't wait long at all until we were called back by Dr. H himself, which sort of threw me off. I'm so used to being called back to a waiting room by a nurse and waiting even longer for a doctor. I've never actually seen a doctor walk into a waiting room to get a patient. We went back to his office and I immediately felt comfortable with him. We sat and talked about how long we'd been trying and went over all of our records that were sent to him. He said we had things that have some really positive things about us and also some things that were negative. Positive, we're young and healthy with no diagnosed problems. Negative, we've been off of birth control for four years and actively trying for two. Not so good.

Dr. H totally shocked Rob by telling us that a couple just starting out TTC at our age only has a 25% chance of conceiving every month, (I sat there smug, I totally knew that YEARS ago...HA). Then he shocked me by saying that after how long we've been trying, statistically, we have less than a 3% chance of conceiving naturally every month. That I did not know! We went over our options, IUI with Clomid, IUI with injectables, or IVF. Our chances with Clomid/IUI are 15%... which doesn't sound great compared to the 60% chance with IVF, but then again I don't have a spare $10,000 lying around. Too bad.

Dr. H was concerned about my hemorrhagic cyst that I had in November. He was worried that if it was misdiagnosed and the cyst was still there it might indicate endometriosis. He suggested we do an U/S since I was at the perfect time in my cycle,CD3, to confirm it was gone. Rob actually sat in on the ultrasound and let me tell you, his eyes went about as big as saucers when he saw the size of the wand. He was like "He's going to put that WHERE?" Yes, now you see what I go through Rob. Welcome to my world. It was nice to have him there, being a part of it and actually seeing that I'm not just skipping over to a doctor's office and having a friendly chat, in actuality that I'm being violated by a wand the size of a those clubs you put on your steering wheel to keep it from being stolen. Not so fun, especially when you're bleeding like a stuck pig on CD 3 and have cramps. The good news, the doctor found 5 and 6 follies on either side but no cyst! Yay!

We went back to his office after the U/S ,(I was really impressed with the amount of time he had set aside for just us), and went over Rob's SA from last year. We had never been given the actual numbers by my GYN, she had just said that "Everything looks good", which was always seemed kind of vague to me. And good indeed, his numbers were all well above what they like to see. Rob got all puffed up and proud of himself, and I had to make a concerted effort not to laugh. Guys and their sperm... so funny.

Dr. H told us that he would recommend starting with Clomid + IUI and see how it goes for the first cycle. I started Clomid on April 3rd, will start OPKs on the 11th and hopefully go in for my IUI around the 14th or 15th if my body behaves and doesn't pull an early ovulation on me. I really feel like this was such a good decision to finally get out of this rut we've been in.

Thank you for all the good wishes! Keep them coming for lucky IUI Cycle #1!

**** I was just about to end this blog when Rob walked in with a dozen roses and a card for me, just because. He is the best husband a girl could ask for. Instead of a quote I'll share what he wrote to me in the card...****

"Thank you for everything that you do honey. I love you so much. Don't worry about anything. We'll be OK, after all you're stuck with me forever. I love you!"

-Rob

Liar Liar Pants on Fire...

I lied... again. No fabulous blog tonight. Why? What is wrong with me you ask? Well, I'll tell you. I just spent the last 5 hours since I got home from work doing our 2007 taxes. Then I spent the last 10 minutes starting at the Trubo Tax screen trying to figure out how the hell we ended up owing this insane amount of money. Also of course thinking about how owing this massive sum due to my self employment last year is going to affect our new fertility treatments with the RE. Basically I feel like crying after feeling so optimistic and excited yesterday. I still want to tell the story of my great RE, but right now I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. Damn this infertility! If we were normal fertiles and easily knocked up we'd have a child credit right now! I'm totally kidding...sort of.

I have to recover from this latest, though basically self inflicted, blow. This is what we get for having me of all people, attempt to do the finances. I suck... obviously. Please allow me to wallow in self pity for one more day and I will TRY and make my happy RE blog tomorrow. Though I'm not making any more promises, I obviously am not any good at keeping them!

"If you break your neck, if you have nothing to eat, if your house is on fire, then you got a problem. Everything else is inconvenience. "

-Robert Fulghum

I Am A Liar...

I promised a nice, long blog about today and I just cannot deliver. It is 10:00 and I *just* got home and am absolutely exhausted. I will tell the whole story tomorrow evening (I'm not lying this time) when I get off of work and don't have any plans for the night other than blogging, vegging on the couch and taking my Clomid (there's a teaser for you!). Today went really well. How well you ask? Well my friends, you'll just have to wait until tomorrow. It's a story worth waiting for I assure you!

Thank you everyone for all the well wishes!

"Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: " I'm with you kid. Let's go."

-Maya Angelou

Here We Go...

Our first RE appointment is tomorrow at 1:00. I am both excited and terrified. I will write a nice long synopsis tomorrow since it has been a long time since I've wrote a real "meaty" blog. Prayers, thoughts, vibes and anything else positive you can send our way is much appreciated! And here we go...

"A bend in the road is not the end of the road... unless you fail to make the turn."

-Author Unknown